Allegory - Forked

Every time I've placed my trust, it shatters. Another chip of my soul, crushed forever. Every time I've dared to look upto someone, anyone... who would see me indifferent, I'm lost. A pit of hollow so deep, there is no hope. 

Why do you resent me?? Ward your children off my path?? Freeze from so much, as my sight? Why?? Am I not human?? I gave up on dignity a long time ago... should I give up on life too?? How can my mere existence become your curse???

Disowned, abandoned, I stand alone, among those ostracized like me. Is it a clan u ask? How could it be? We dint have a choice. You gave us no choice. Do we sell our skin? Yes. Does that hurt? It used to... yes. It hurts to get flesh ripped, flesh after flesh. It hurts to feel... in a life spent being numb. It hurts to be the one, your Gods chose to punish for all your sins. Yes, it hurts, to be your curse and still live alongside you, your hatred and your wrath, at your mercy. 

If am born off the muck, if i deserve dirt then there aint no shame, no fear in rolling right in. There were those days as a child when I just looked on. And then hunger gripped and it was just a matter of time. No, it wasn't your yelling I heard then, just my belly lurching on and twisting in, day in and day out, every single day of my cursed existence. I laid to live, just like the rest of them. All different, but alike in your eyes. 

So what if I am different? So are you, different from me. I dont look like a girl? Really, how should a girl look like?? What am I then; a girl? or a boy?? Do I care to know what lies beneath your pants? Then, why should you? Does gender make all the difference?? Yes?? Then deal with this; if your gender is all that defines you, then I find it rather liberating to be genderless. Some days I feel a butch girl, others a femme lad. I'm not bi-curious. I am pan-affirmative. I want a penis and I want to keep my breasts. I want to doll up and I want to grow a stubble too. Having a period feels emasculating at times and I wish I could make it stop, but I put up with it, just because I want to have kids one day. Drag queen you think? totally i say! I will parent and I will be better than the parent, I never had. I will teach my kids, that gender can be play... even your identity, but never a competition or a compromise. And that one clothes their body, not their soul. Being gender-queer is beautiful, just like being a girl or a boy. Yes, ambiguity is beautiful. No. You may not point and laugh, its my body, therefore its I, who gets to decide what it means. 

And still... I dont get it, your hatred and your pity. Some of us might not have kids, is that it?? Some of you choose not to either, does that mean you deserve a life spent as some random stranger's curse?? We are loony? demented? psycho?? I see! Your running your imagination overtime on that! Arent there all kinds of folks out there, sad, happy, indifferent, dire, sullen, bitchy, supportive and crass?? What if I have moods too?? Does that dictate on me, to be your misery?? There are days I dress up a 'girl' and days as 'boy', dont you do that too?? What else?? I rape children then?? I'll tell you, you as hell dont know... how it feels to be raped, again and again, bitten and beaten, cut and cursed, treated like filth... for nothing. For supposedly being 'different'... born 'different'...  Why would I hurt another soul?? let alone a child?? I dont dust my misery on others, like you do and still I dont hate you... I only wish we could co-exist, that If I smiled... you would at least... smile back.

There were times, I pondered what good is a life lived in waste? After a decade of sexual activity, its just now, I'm acceptive of my queerness. Its not pain now, but pleasure. Yes, I feel sex, I am sexual. And I realize, your waste is not what I chose to be. I have a life, however you choose to define that and I have friends and family and lovers and children, who look upto me and I will live, my best, for those who live for me. Whether you would accept me, someday... I may never know, but I will accept my forked nature... like the strokes of paint.. pink etched onto blue... just beautiful and serene. 

~ inspired by http://twitter.com/genderfork