21st August - Greater than Death

I believed there was..
no sorrow greater than death..
I am after-all that person who has slipped into several depressions over the past 6 years.. I had asked my father how he was coping with the loss of his son and wife.. He would remind me, he had lost his parents, his brothers and a sister before this..

Loss of a loved one is an agony so deep, it stays till your very last breath, death affects you, changes you, life is never the same.. He would say, each loss tore his soul some more, he would grow numb. But he would never give up on the lives that dependent on him.. never gave up on me and himself..

Life is cruel because it can show how also beautiful it could be.. death, accidents and diseases are all parts of life, we are all, part of a cycle of life and death.. we live on, in other's memories, in our doings and accomplishments during the life we have led.. for this one has to lead a life first.. He said, the greatest sorrow, is not death itself, but the impairment of lives that it brings. A person with no desire to live, who is dying while still alive, is a greater distress than death.. this is something, he never chose to be..

Today is the death anniversary of my father. Before he died, 21st august was celebrated, as it is my mother's birthday. In the 2 years that I have been living without him, I have been dysfunctional and miserable, but when ever I hit a low, I reminded myself of his words.. I have not come this far to only come this far..

It is true, he lives in me, in my actions, in my cautions, I think of him a lot..
I have begun to take small steps every now and then to change some habits,
to achieve little goals, but make some progress.

Trixie, my dog, her presence has helped me a great deal in waking up.. and being functional every day since I have got her. I am beginning to understand how a life dependent on you does not let you give up.. I feel there is a long way to go before I start taking care of myself the way I want to.. But I already firmly realize I am beginning to live, I am on the path to a kind of inner peace.. dealing with years of depression is very hard, but if there is one thing that anybody going through a similar ordeal needs to have.. is an incentive to stay strong.. to accept reality and to understand that time moves on, and healing may never really happen, but we can carry on forward with the memories of our families.. my family has been my greatest strength, still is in many ways..
So, I refuse to curl up and wither.. that is not the woman my father raised me to be..

I miss my father dearly, every day and admittedly, much more today..
with time, I recognize an inner strength to persist and live.
with my trophies and my scars alike..
until the day I actually die, I will continue to live the best I can.
I also see a certain audacity to survive, grow inside of me.. that desire to do something.. accomplish something.. is also paramount to getting over depression.. living is after all, more than just breathing.. once you understand that, you begin to value your health, your heritage, your time and efforts..

my father, I find, is teaching me today to live and be brave like he was when he was alive..

this day,
I count my blessings again for having a dad like you.. I wish, when its my time, I would have grown to be as wise and profound as you.. and have a chance to complete my own circle of life and death.
Love you Dad.